Bonjour à tous, pour mon oral de bac j'ai déjà commencé par rédiger la notion ''Idea of progress" Ayant un niveau faible en anglais, j'aimerai bien que quelqu'un me donne son avis, si il y a des choses à améliorer ou a rajouter et les fautes d'orthographe qu'il pourrait y avoir, et si la longueur est suffisante sachant que je dois parler 5 minutes. Je vous remercie d'avance.

INTRO :
I’m going to talk about the notion of idea of progress with the topic of the life without new technologies. First of all, I would like to give a definition : The idea of progress can be defined as an improvement that contributes to making the world a better place, but new technologies have consequences for our health, that’s why we develop the life without this problem. So, we can try to answer the question : How can we protect our health from new technology ? We will see in the first part the important consumption of digital, secondly, we will see the solutions.

For the teenagers, technological devices are essential. We were born with TV, computer, and cell phone. Indeed, according to a questionnaire, we noticed that there are about 7 electronic devices in an British household. 100% of Americans between 16 and 30 years old use the internet, and 90% have a cell phone. This shows that America is a connected country that uses technology a lot. Unfortunately, they cause to mental health problems such as addiction. And physical health problems: Damage to the brain, and blue light is bad for the eyes That's why some people want to escape this danger, they do not want to be in modern society because it's dangerous for our health. For example, the document 'Man out of his yurt' shows a man alone in front of his yurt in the middle of the forest. He lives with the bare necessities, and he uses natural components that does not cause any problem for his health.
Moreover, if we do not want to go alone, and far to escape this problem, we have seen a document that shows that communities exist: It is the Amish. It is a community that does not use toxic products for their health, they eat their own production, they do not have a cell phone, they do not communicate with people except the people of the community, so it allows to tighten the bonds that can be lost with addiction

CONCLUSION: To conclude, In our modern society, we think that technologies are essential, but we have seen that it is dangerous for our health so there are communities to escape this problem, we can live without and have healthy life. Progress in technology can be efficience in many areas such as work, but we must not forget the problems they create.
We can relate new technologies to the notion of spaces and exchanges, because it are a means of communicating with the worldwide

Bon, je ne suis pas bilingue, donc à vérifier, mais:
A "So, we can try to answer the question", tu peux dire "So, we can try to answer the following question " histoire de.
Même si ça me semble bon en soi, j'aurais plutôt mis "then" à "We will see in the first part the important consumption of digital, then, we will see the solutions."

La phrase "The idea of progress can be defined as an improvement that contributes to making the world a better place, but new technologies have consequences for our health, that’s why we develop the life without this problem.", je l'aurais divisée: :"The idea of progress can be defined as an improvement that contributes to making the world a better place. However, new technologies have consequences for our health".

Le " that’s why we develop the life without this problem", je sais pas trop trop ce que t'essaye de dire par là, mais "develop the life" me semble étrange.

For the teenagers, tu peux enlever le the.

"they cause to mental health problems such as addiction", tu peux remplacer "to mental health problems" par un truc du style "psychological problems"Pareil pour "And physical health problems", je suppose que ça revient à dire "Et des problème de santé physique", c'est pas hyper élégant, j'aurais peut-être plus mis un truc du style "Some devices also affect our health" ou "Some of them cause diseases"

"Damage to the brain, and blue light is bad for the eyes", ça fait un peu... je sais pas... je verrai plus un truc en mode "like brain injuries or eye damages (which are often caused by the blue light)".

Au lieu de "questionnaire", j'aurais plus mis "survey".

Ou quand tu dis : "they do not want to be in modern society because it's dangerous for our health" j'aurais plutôt mis "dangerous for the health", mais là je chipote

"if we do not want to go alone, and far to escape this problem", j'aurais plus enlevé la virgule: "if we do not want to go alone and far to escape this problem".
Le phrase elle même est un peu exotique: "De plus, si on ne veut pas aller seul, et loin pour échapper à ce problème, nous avons vu un document qui montre que des communautés existent: c'est les Amishs." On ne sait pas trop si le "nous" renvoie à toi et à ta classe (dans ce cas, oui, vous avez vu ce doc), ou si ça revoie à un nous un peu général (auquel cas c'est faux, l'humanité entière n'a pas étudié ton document). Or, si je ne me trompe pas, c'est ce nous un peu général que tu utilise la plupart du temps. Peut-être un truc du style: "[...] the (first, second...) document shows us that communities exist for this purpose: as the Amish." (et là, c'est bien le "us" général).

Ta phrase " To conclude, In our modern society, we think that technologies are essential, but we have seen that it is dangerous for our health so there are communities to escape this problem, we can live without and have healthy life."
j'aurais plutôt formulé ça "To conclude, in the modern society, we think that technologies are essential, but we can see it is dangerous for our health. There are communities to escape this problem; so you can live without devices, and enjoy a healthy life.
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Si tu veux savoir si tu tiens 5 minutes, je te conseille de te chronométrer et de réciter ton texte. Pour gagner tu temps, hésite pas à donner ta source et à décrire ton document (Ici, nous pouvons voir que c'est un photo d'un Amish qui fait ça... etc).

"they allow us to live without devices, so we can enjoy a healthy life." pour le dernier truc, désolé pour le double post