est-ce que vs pouvez me dire si ma rédac est bien ? ? et me dire si ya des fautes svp ( ) merci

ps : j´ai changé les noms ^^

sujet : faut que je me présente, ma famille et mes meilleurs vacances :

My name is Jean-Paul. I am 44 years old. I am born in Paris, and I live in Paris. I have got a brother of 45 years old. His name is jean-Marie. My mother’s name is Jocelyne and my father’s name is Jocelyn. They are both 77 years old. I have got a little white dog of 6 years old. It’s a nice pet.
My hobbies are : watching TV, videos games, football and guitar. I am found of football, I support the team of Marseilles. I love music, precisely rock and grunge. My favourites bands are Muse and Nirvana.
I spent my best summer holidays in Australia, one years ago. I left during 3 weeks, with my parents. We took the plane from Paris to Hong-Kong. We stayed there during one day. After, we went to Sydney. We’ve been in the Chinese´s neighbourhood. We visited the city, the Sydney aquarium, the taronga zoo, and the royal botanic garden. We took the monorail and the boat for all this short journey. Then, we took the plane for going to Mackay, with a stopover in Brisbane. Mackay is a little town, 1280 miles away from Sydney. There was some beautiful birds, in particular parrots. In the neighbourhood there’s some beautiful beaches : Town Beach, Illawong Beach and Harbour Beach. After Mackay, we went to Airly Beach, where we visited the Townville’s zoo. At last, we finished this travel in Cairns, we sleep in a beautiful hotel. That was great !

Merci de répondre

Meme si l´anglais n´est pas mon fort :

There was some beautiful birds
There were

. I am born in Paris
I was born

one years ago
one year

Tes 2 parents s´appelent jocelyn ? lol

we took the plane for going to Mac
in order to go to Mac

" I have got a brother of 45 years old"
C´est mieux ca :" I have got a brother who is 45 years old"

" We took the monorail and the boat for all this short journey."
je dirais plutot : " We took the monorail and the boat all this short journey long".

J´ai pas tout lu avec attention mais dans l´ensemble c´est pas mal du tout, pas de grosses errerus.

merci a vs pour votre aide

Essaye de placer des mots genre :

First, Secondly , Thirdly , Finaly , As for me, As far as I´m concerned , However . ..

Totalement déplacé dans ce genre de texte. Ici on a affaire à un texte de présentation, " je raconte ma vie", alors qu´on les utilise dans des rédactions où il s´agit de donner son avis, en faisant des récapitulatifs d´arguments par exemple.

correction pas corrigage ^^