oh une fan de beck, ça fait plaisir!
Ton texte est pas trop mal, un peu trop explicite je pense. Un texte trop terre-à-terre, qui se comprend du 1er coup et qui suit une seule ligne directrice, je trouve que ça reduit un peu trop la portée qu´on peut donner aux mots. Vaut mieux chercher dans les metaphores, mais sans faire du ridicule. Enfin c´est pas mal quand meme.
Si tu veux des beaux textes, en fr deja on peut dire ce qu´on veut mais Jacques Brel il ecrivait vraiment trop bien (aaaaah le texte de "Ne me quittes pas").
Sinon le top du top, enfin à mon avis, c´est les textes de Neutral milk hotel (ce groupe a changé ma vie), mais bon faut comprendre l´anglais.
Un exemple: "Little birds"
Little birds born without a mother or a father
I can watch their bodies forming in the running water
Now there is another in the middle of my mouth
A hundred altogether within me now
Little bird, little bird come into my body
Mother, they´re within me every moment I´m awaking
Bodies multiplying until they finally overtake me
Open up my mouth but all you´ll ever hear is singing
Put you hand within me and you´ll know what I´m feeling
I just want to swallow up and promise to protect them
Daddy come to touch me but he seen his hands are shaking
Look into my eyes and he could see their bodies breaking
Push me to the floor and in his hands I started beating
"I don´t want to hear it anymore", he kept repeating
Do you really want the burning hell that we believe in?
Did you know the burning hell it took your baby brother?
Did you see how far he fell and how he made us suffer?
Another boy in town at night he took him for his lover
And deep in sin they held each other
So I took a hammer and nearly beat his little brains in
Knowing God in heaven could have, never could forgive him
So I took a hammer and I nearly beat his brains in
Little boy born without a father of a mother
Taken to the river and then pushed into the water
And the priests are singing that the hell is getting hotter
Father, Son and Holy Ghost, the only one to save him
From the thing he loves the most but we know will betray him
Father, Son and Holy Ghost, the only one to save him
From the thing he loves the most but we know will betray him
And here beneath the water I can see
How the lights distort so strange
And I think this is how I would like to leave my body
And start again